her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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