He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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