Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
