I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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