You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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