Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
