Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
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