Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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