You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you told grandpa to call you daddy
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
