i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Randomize
