Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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