I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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