I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
