my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
