Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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