her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Randomize
