....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
two words...techno handjob
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
