to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
