Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
