Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
