Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
