all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
