cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
