i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
