apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
