I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
