Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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