I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
