My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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