I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
