is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize