I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
i drank out of a bidet.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Randomize
