Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
