I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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