Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
she looked like the before picture.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
