i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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