you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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