It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
