Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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