My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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