it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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