sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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