I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
