you will always have a special place in my vag
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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