You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
You're like the curious george of whores
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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