It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize