I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
