not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
