Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
