im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
