Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
