apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
