Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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