You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
