Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
