1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
