you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Randomize
