i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
