i barfeds in our rink
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
