Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
