Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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