How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Randomize
