smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
